There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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