I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
