it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
