I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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