True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
