Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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