i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
