She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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