I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
