I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I intend to get homeless drunk
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
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