well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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