maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
