you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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