Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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