Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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