We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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