You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Is Oprah even human
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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