i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
