Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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