I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?