Swine flu. Run for my life!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
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apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
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There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car