as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.