turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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