I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
