They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
