420 ftw
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
