all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize