Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
