He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
