i think i have herpe
just one?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
