so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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