I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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