I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
