1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
