so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
