You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
