i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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