Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
