But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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