...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
