Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
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You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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