i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
