He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Of course I have a pirate flag
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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