dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
