i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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