I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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