I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
