honey bunches of taint.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
