Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
