It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
