I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
