It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
