I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
