i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
