I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
